March 19, 2002

Dick's hat band: Mystery solved

Through A Glass Darkly, by John Myers, Internet Photojournalist

The puzzling expression, "Tight as Dick's hat band," and the mystery of just who Dick was has been solved. At least I think so.

I received an e-mail from Fred Belinsky of The Village Hat Shop in San Diego, Calif., who says the saying about Dick's hat is one of the "Hat Facts" on their web site, villagehatshop.com.

Dick's hat band, Belinsky says, is: "Anything that is too tight. The Dick in this case is Richard Cromwell, the son of England's 17th Century 'dictator', Oliver Cromwell. Richard succeeded his dad and wanted to be king but was quickly disposed. The hat band in the phrase refers to the crown he never got to wear."

It's been so long since I took a world history course that I had to do a bit of research on Oliver and Richard Cromwell. Here's the condensed version from the web site, www.britannia.com/history/.

Oliver Cromwell was a strict Puritan with a Cambridge education when he went to London to represent his family in Parliament in 1640. The British king at the time, Charles I, got into a serious tiff with Parliament, the British version of Congress. Words led to swords at the battle of Nottingham on Aug. 22, 1642, and England was now embroiled in a civil war.

Cromwell proved most capable as a military leader. Fighting lasted until July 1645 at the final defeat of the king's army. Within a year, Charles surrendered to the Scots, who turned him over to Parliament. By 1646, England was ruled solely by Parliament -- which was ruled by Cromwell. And Cromwell's position was solidified when the king was executed in 1649.

(Obviously the British take their politics very seriously.)

With the death of the ancient constitution and Parliament in control, Cromwell's attention turned to crushing rebellions in the realm, as well as in Ireland and Scotland. He forced submission from the nobility, muzzled the press and defeated all rebels.

(Now there's a real dictator, a guy who muzzles the press.)

Cromwell's army also slaughtered over 40 percent of the indigenous Irishmen; the remaining Irishmen were forcibly transported to County Connaught with the Act of Settlement in 1653. Scottish Presbyterians fought for a Stuart restoration, in the person of Charles II, but were defeated, ending the war.

(Cromwell was an equal-opportunity dictator, treating the king, the nobility and the Scots and Irish equally -- with death.)

Cromwell then turned on Parliament with great indignity on April 21, 1653, ordering the house cleared at the point of a sword. The army called for a new Parliament of Puritan saints, who also proved inept. By 1655, Cromwell dissolved his new Parliament, choosing to rule alone, which Charles I had done.

(He was also condemned to repeat history he didn't learn.)

Then the military turned against Cromwell. The monarchy was restored in all but name; Cromwell went from the title of Lord General of the Army to that of Lord Protector of the Realm. He died on Sept. 3, 1658, naming his son Richard as successor.

Anarchy ensued. A break-away Army Council took Richard into their power and forced him to dissolve the Parliament and resign on May 25, 1659. So he only ruled about eight months.

(Obviously, his hat -- or crown -- was way too tight to fit. You might also say he and his father both had a case of "big head.")

Richard escaped the fate of Charles I by fleeing to France in 1660, where he lived under the assumed name of John Clarke.

He rattled around Europe, a man without a country, living in Spain, Italy and Switzerland, until he was allowed to return to jolly old England in 1680, where he died peacefully in 1712.

Brittania.com concludes, "It is said that, in old age dressed in his poor farmer's clothes, he once saw Queen Anne sitting on the very throne that he himself had once graced. No one suspected the old farmer of ever having occupied such a high position."

Thus ends the history lesson. If you're like me, you now know way more about Dick's hat band that you ever wanted to know.